Phoenix
Phoenix Nexus News Sub Space Static - Big Love Special.
Sub Space Static - Big Love Special.

***** Inter Galactic News *****


*** Message From The Editor ***

Greetings snivelling meatsacks of the Peripheries.

Your beloved Overlord Kang, recently voted most Brutal Editor In The Peripheries, has some actual editorial news for you this week.

It has been brought to Kang’s attention that the lack of Caliphate news in the SSS recently has been down to a deliberate boycott of this news organisation by the CAL authorities. Who are instead promoting their own tediously self-congratulatory newszine instead.

Kang is saddened to hear this! As Kang enjoys being inclusive in his hatred of all you worthless meatsacks. But Kang feels the Caliphate must surely be thinking Kang simply does not hate them enough, and thus, Kang brings to you all:

The Caliphate Love Special Edition!

May pieces fall off you.

Frequently, and in great abundance.


*** Historic Union ***

The Caliphate, LONG MAY THEY REIGN, have announced a brilliant and massively significant alliance with the Dominion. Glorious leader of the Caliphate, the BELOVED and NOT AT ALL WRETCHED Darius Shirazi, posted the following notice:

Salem,

Today a historic accord was achieved between the Caliphate and Dominion with mutual friendship formally declared.

I look forward to working with Overlord Konstantine on matters of mutual security and the prosperity of humans on Earth, amongst other topics.

I would also like to officially welcome Dominion traders to the heart of the Caliphate on the terms reserved for friends and allies.

Peace be upon you,

Darius


Kang feels we should all take a moment to admire this press release for it’s perfectly formed nature. Look at the use of words! KANG DEMANDS THAT YOU LOOK!


*** Highstar In Trouble ***

Kang humbly begs that the beloved Caliphate forgive him for running a story that is not directly about them. HEAVEN FORBID something happen that does not issue from the CAL. Kang will make this fast so we can all get back to reading about our favourite affiliation.

The Dewiek have found the FEL Highstar authorities guilty of not being Dewiek, and have decided to wipe them all out.

Well okay, not in so many words, but that’s about the gist of it.


*** Crossley Wormhole ***

Travellers seeking to travel between GLORIOUS Caliphate space and the Cluster Periphery should take notice that the Crossley Wormhole remains graded as ‘Beastly Ship Wrecker’ by the Peripheries Navigation Times Bulletin.

The SSS pays glorious tributes to Darius Shiraz for bringing us this warning and saving many ships from costly repairs! Truly the new Caliph is bounteous in his generosity!


*** Darius Shirazi Casts Judgement ***

The INTELLIGENT and WORTHWHILE leader of the Caliphate has officially branded all readers of the SSS as idiots, and Kang quotes:

“The fact his caricature has garnered an adoring fan base merely a sidenote of the imbecilic nature of the SSS readership.”

- Darius Shirazi.

The BELOVED Shirazi having branded all readers of the SSS as imbeciles, then went on to claim that Overlord Kang is a shadow puppet for the Detinus Republic, because OBVIOUSLY Kang is always bigging up those worthless tedious Kitten Slaughtering meatsacks with his pro-DTR agenda that ONLY DARIUS SHIRAZI IS INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO HAVE SPOTTED!

Thank Shirazi for that, as Kang likes to say, frequently, when emptying his bowels.

Shiraz rounded off his views by once again repeating his belief that Kang only gives voice to DTR propaganda, by starting that he also now thinks Kang only prints FLZ propaganda too:

“The fact Kang is a parody of the Flagritz, a brutalistic and banal mouthpiece for projecting the true views of the Detinus or the Flagritz should give any intelligent sentient a moment of pause.”

- Darius Shirazi.

Kang is pleased to hear a human voicing SO MANY FACTS on what does and does not constitute a ‘parody’ when it comes to alien races, everybody knows humans know best. Humans are after all the superior tasting species.


*** Cheerful Execution Spoilt By CAL Disapproval ***

News has hit the Hammer civilian press that the Flagritz starbase Fessin Lijori (2875) has executed a Brotherhood spy. Footage broadcast across the planet shows a body descending from a considerable distance up the hiport to the starport and many unfiltered personal cams show that the person was alive during the descent

The Junta seems uninterested by the activity as termination of spies is perfectly legal even if the method is somewhat unusual.

The Brotherhood, and by extension their Caliphate brethren, are reported to be unimpressed with such a public execution.

The Flagritz, by contrast, frequently and enthusiastically enjoy a good game of ‘guess how bouncy the spy is’.

Oops? APOLOGIES GLORIOUS SHIRAZI! Was that comment more proof of Kang’s Pro-Flagritz agenda? KANG GROVELS APOLOGETICALLY!


*** Flagritz News ***

From the Flagritz Universal News network. FUN-news – Because you can’t be stabbing lesser meatsacks all the time.


The Flagritz Ambassador to the Caliphate’s Coronation has finally been returned by the Brotherhood travel services, amidst angry allegations of kidnapping, general banditry, and terrible canapés.

After supporting the PIRate activity of the former faction known as the Confederacy within both Corewards and the Cluster as well as sending spies into an Imperial Base, the Brotherhood have escalated the situation by landing a Starship at the same FLZ base they had been caught spying at.

Flagritz forces have been given the order to retaliate against these provocative actions of this faction

Special Action/FLZ Starbase Fessin Lijori/Detention of Docked BHD GP Martyrs of the Holy Sepulchre(94630)/Execution/214.46
The charges are levelled against the detained soldiers (flagged as prisoners). One is removed for interview though it quickly becomes clear that it is in fact an execution. Attempts to break restraints fail and soon the spy is getting some good intel as he descends rapidly from an open car on the hiport.


And finally, a new trade good has been made available to the Peripheries:

The first of the new trade goods should have gone on sale by the time you read this

Slave Art (33937)
Name Slave Art
Number 33937
Type Trade Good
Mus 1 mus
Production 1
Value at Source 2.000 (Stellars/unit)
Common No
Subtype Normal
Tech level 1
Origin System Primordium (43)
Origin Celestial Body Fornfell (3312)
Tech Manual Slaves of the FLZ have been allowed to relax and produce these wonderful works of art. For each 50mu purchased, a slave will be released from its hellish life of servitude.
Infrastructure Type None
Infra Enviroment Type None
Last Changed 16/10/2014


*** Falconian News ***

Yet again Kang finds himself acting as a mouthpiece for another affiliation, but presumably because the CAL do not have a grudge against the FCN, we can get away with this one.

HERE IS SOME FALCONIAN NEWS!

Trading News
Sales at main falconian markets continue to flourish with many items selling out rapidly once placed upon the market.
A new product Asteroid alcohol will be available from Starbase Babel shortly and will suit those who are after an experience that is out of this world. For those who wish for a softer landing we are assured that Falconian pillow production and sales will resume in the next few weeks.
The Caribbean Wormhole in the cluster has shown remarkable traffic recently from DOM vessels travelling towards inner empire markets. The increasing friendship between CAL and DOM suggest major cooperative projects taking place. FCN enterpreneurs have so far been unable to find a profit in this.

Training news
Patrol crews have been given additional training in marksbirdship after decidedly the lacklustre results from their efforts last week.
A crash course in asteroid navigation is also proposed for exploration vessels

Transpiral News
Two scout vessels have been hit by asteroids in a transpiral system this week. One vessel was destroyed. There are no casualties reported and rescue attempts are underway the hive drone crew stranded in the asteroid field.

Cluster News
FLZ raiders have been active against BHD outposts in the unclaimed Rock system neighbouring Caribbean.



*** Caliphate Throw Toys Out Pram ***

Recent vocal attacks against the SSS and Overlord Kang personally have lead some to speculate that Kang appears to have hit a nerve by running a story suggesting recent Merc attacks might have been a CAL-backed mercenary operation, so Kang would like to state for the record that there is no historical evidence of Darius Shirazi running clandestine black-op Mercenary operations.

Worry not BELOVED CALIPHATE, KANG HAS GOT YOUR BACK!

And Kang will collect these toys for you.


*** Best Caliphate Press Release Ever ***


Salem,

Last week, MRC and PRV forces began attacks on shipping and outposts within the Darkfold periphery. Their actions cost the DOM one freighter in the Francoise system and the CIA two lightly guarded outposts in the London system.

The nature and timing of the attacks indicate the Caliphate is the subject of terrorist forces trying to disrupt trade and thwart the peaceful nature of the new Caliphate.

It would be too easy to join the dots between these actions and provocations elsewhere, combined with the historic peace that may be possible between the Empire and DTR. The cowardly enemies who use these flags would like nothing better than to change the direction of the Caliphate from the peaceful and inclusive policies we have put in place.

As Vizier of the Caliph's government, I will not be so easily manipulated.

CAL defence forces will deal with the threat and we ask all residents and traders in the Darkfold periphery to take appropriate measures to protect themselves in these troubled times. If and when, the sponsors of these terrorist acts have been identified or our enemies have the honour to show their faces, we will act decisively.

Peace be upon you,

Darius



YOU TELL THEM DARIUS! A secret DTR/FLZ alliance eh? Designed to bring down the CAL? Those wretched scoundrels.

But weren’t the DTR and FLZ almost involved in a shooting war a few months ago?

No matter, KANG IS CERTAIN YOU ARE RIGHT! And Kang looks forward to reading all about it in the official CAL Newszine, which presumably you believe is read only by INTELLIGENT readers, as opposed to Kang’s wretched band of imbeciles and meatsacks.


*** Pirate Large ***

COD PRESS RELEASE:

Once more it would appear that the infamous Pirate Large is at ... um ... large.

A simple Coalition barge was preparing for the jump from Hirathamo to Yank and safe orbit, when it was boarded by the crew of the Pirate Ship Eagle Tar Rip (98669). The ship has of course been posted by ourselves and help is being despatched but I fear it is too late to help the brave, Coalition-loyal, human crew and marines aboard. Our thoughts go with their families, who of course will be well looked after.

To add insult to injury, it appears that 270 Aquaphid Marines were used in the boarding party, alongside human marines, human veteran marines, naplian marines and both mk I and mkIv warbots.

Governor Kutt-el-Fsh
Opportunity Centre



*** Merc Destroyed – Owner Unhappy ***

A battlegroup of Catnip Munching Surrender Kittens has intercepted and destroyed a MRC position in the Daggern system, confounding this Editor’s beliefs that the FEL were capable of intercepting anything larger than a particularly fat mouse.

Lazarus Dredge, leader of the RIP, has hilariously claimed ownership of the MERC position, and has demanded an apology from a senior member of the FEL leadership.

Not a junior member. A SENIOR member.

Kang admires this chutzpah.

But not as much as Kang admires the Caliph of Chutzpah himself, Darius Shirazi.

Kang suspects an apology will not be forthcoming, as MRC flagged positions are pretty much fair game for anybody to shoot at.

Had it been flagged RIP then… it would probably still have been pretty much fair game for anybody to shoot at.

KANG PLAYS TINY VIOLIN FOR YOU, PATHETIC RIP MEATSACKS!

Do you like Kang’s tiny violin?

Kang got it specially for the Caliphate.