Phoenix
Phoenix Nexus News Sub Space Static: Volume 2. Issue 24.
Sub Space Static: Volume 2. Issue 24.

***** Inter Galactic News *****


*** Message From The Editor ***

It is a bright New Year and Kang wishes you all an increase in your levels of brutal slaughter and mayhem.

Kang’s new year resolution was to eat more healthily.

This is proving to be slightly problematic as it turns out healthier Wimbles tend to be faster Wimbles.

PREPARE FOR NEWS!



*** Faery And Straddle ***

The long contested systems of Faery and Straddle, locations of many bitter battles between the puny Detinus Republic and the whinging IMP dis-services, appear to have changed hands recently without a single shot being fired!

THE OUTRAGE OF IT ALL!

The puny Meatvice of humanity issued the following statement:

From the office of the Viceroy............

Faery system

In acknowledgement of our continued peace, and the trust built up between the IMP and DTR the following systems are changing as per our agreements.

The Faery system has been claimed for the DTR by the IMP, and we ask all parties that claimed for the IMP in Faery to alter their claim towards the DTR. The system will come under DTR general law with certain restrictions.

It is understood that both sides will meet in the near future to conduct further talks, and mutual trade is already underway.

This will be the third within the Detinus Periphery the IMP will be claiming on their behalf and shows our commitment to the treaty.

Straddle System

The Straddle system will be claimed by the DTR for the IMP in recognition of both of our efforts.

Again restrictions are and will be in place

The Viceroy would like to thank the DTR for their commitment to long term peaceful co-existence.


What insanity is this, Kang wonders?


*** Ground Assault ***

The major FLZ Starbase of Fessin Lijori has come under attack by stinking human wretches.

Elements of the human Empires anecdotally named ‘Uber GP’ are understood to have made heavy inroads into capturing the base, and it may have fallen some time ago, though communications appear to be blotchy like the acid-riddled skin of a slave in the patented Kang Acid-Torture-Machine.

The Patented Kang Acid-Torture-Machine – officially the top selling torture apparatus over the festive period. Have you got your Patented Kang Acid-Torture-Machine yet? If not, please contact the SSS sales team immediately, and we can have one en-route to you by end of working day. Order now and receive a 10% discount on foot-manglers!


*** New Year? New Krell? New Carnage? ***

Reports are circulating that the Krell clan Blue Skullz has garnered enough support to raise their banners and join the endless circle of blood-letting that is Krell politics.

Kang looks forward to them unleashing their death commandos.

Although curiously their first political move was to seek peace with the USN. An unusual move for a Krell politician.



*** Scout Destroyed ***

A lone Ulian scout ship has been destroyed by the Krell clan Dark Angels.

It is unclear how many other Krell were killed in the action.

There must have been collateral damage though.

This is the Krell we’re talking about after all.



***** Special Report – Kang Interviews The Brotherhood *****


Reverend Mother Helena removed her glasses and put down the book she was reading and sighed. The alarm was ringing again, a deep tolling bell that echoed around the hallways of the monastery. Guards in the room were checking their comms and weapons listening to the reports.

"What? Center, is that a joke?"

Helena made sure her book mark was in the right place and walked over to the comm station on the wall. Sitting at the station she tapped her code into the keypad and brought up the security screens. In the background she could hear the guards arguing with the security center. Tapping through the screens she checked the various alerts and stopped on one of them. A Flagritz designed ship had docked in the starport and a delegation had departed and had made it's way to the monastery complex, but they were not carrying FLZ flags. Security had flagged it because they had no weapons. An official security request flashed up on the screen for the Reverend Mother to come to the main gate and she scowled and pulled her her cowled robe around her and flanked by guards walked out of her rooms.

"I swear I do not know how she managed all this shit. Every damn hour it's another alert."

By the time they reached the gate there was over a dozen armed guards at the entrance to the guest waiting room with the sounds of fighting coming from the inside. "Sergeant, what is happening?"

"We have a..... an envoy in the room, requesting a high ranking Brotherhood official to talk to."

"So why are you calling me?"

"Well ma'am, your predecessor usually handled this, but you are in command here until she gets back."

"That is assuming she will be coming back. How did this envoy actually make it here?”

The screens are saying it's a Flagritz ship, there were standing orders for all Flagritz ships to be boarded."

"Again, that was your predecessors order. A lot of her specific orders were cancelled when you took office. And the vessel seems to be some sort of Independent operation?”

"Okay, okay. By the True One I think it would be worth having her back just so she can take care of all this shit."

She stopped and paused and turned back to the sergeant. "What sort of envoy?"

"He... uh.... has a press pass?"

"Oh no. Please don't let it be....."

Reverend Mother Helena opened the door and walked in, a bottle smashing against the wall beside her head. "Hello... Kang."

The renowned Flagritz news reporter turned one of it's tri-lobed eyes to her and waved a tentacle towards her. "Meatsack!"

Helena turned to the sergeant and whispered something to him and then walked towards the Flagritzi. "Kang, to what do we owe this great honour?"

"Meatsack! It is good to see you and yes it is an honour! Why do you lay this filth on? It is not fit for me to eat! Can you not bring me one of your young to eat?"

"We do not do that. I can get you some meat if you wish, rare I'm guessing? And something else to drink? I'm sure some of our vendors have something that you can imbibe."

"Yes, eat and drink and then we will talk!"

"Yes. Right... talk. What do we have to talk about?"

"Your puny dewiek worshiper! Carmilla Meatsack D'morenta. It will be a Kang Exclusive!"

Kang waved his tentacles in the air and laughed, all three of his tri-lobed eyes looked her over then reached around with a tentacle and pulled something around, a chained human with a camera and cybernetic implant came into view.

"Take a picture, and then one of us standing together!"

Kang pulled Helena towards him and did his best to look like he was smiling. Helena, however scowled at the camera. "Kang.... before we let you walk around here we must set some ground rules."

"No, I am above your puny rules. You must do as I say before I blast you all. You are lucky I let you into my presence without kneeling!"

"Right... that's it. Sergeant, bring me the chef!"

Reverend Mother Helena walked down towards one of the meeting rooms and held the door open. She wrinkled her nose as Kang made his way inside and was followed by his camera slave. Shooing her guards away she shut the door and pulled up a seat at a table.

"So, Kang. You want to talk about the wayward D'morenta?"

"Yes I do! You will tell me all about her and her love of the Dewiek and her so called heresy. How many people has she killed? What are her crimes? You will give me all the details and then we will broadcast them to everyone so Kang will become more famous and you will be seen as the puny insects you are."

Helena sighed and shook her head. "Kang, why do people even listen to you?"

Kang slammed a tentacle on the table. "Because I am Kang!"

There was a knocking at the door. Helena smiled.

"Kang, please leave your tentacle there? I have someone who might be interested in it." She got up and walked over to the door and opened it. The door burst in and a wimble chef, wild eyed and clad in pristine chef whites and a bandolier of large knives across his chest, a heavy iron skillet in his hand, walked in dragging something behind him. The sergeant, holding a length of rope tied to the wimble came in behind.

"Kang, may I introduce Carmilla's personal chef, I don't understand his name, and I'm not actually sure he could remember it if asked."

"Why show Kang this? I have eaten larger wimbles! Or is this my dinner?"

"No, I thought I'd show you this for your story....."

Kang waved a tentacle at the wimble and laughed."What story is in this pitiful thing...."

The Wimbles eyes bulged and he gripped the skillet, staring at the tentacle.
"Come all ye young fellows that follows the sea
...way hey, blow the man down...."
He slammed the skillet on the tentacle and pulled out a large sharp knife that he spun in his hand and leapt at the tentacle. The sergeant pulled him back, the knife missing the tentacle by a smidgen. Kang pulled back cradling his tentacle and looked at Helena then back to the wimble that was being dragged down the corridor singing a sea shanty and calling for more tentacles. "Wimbles aren't like that. They just aren't like that!"

Kangs camera slave rechecked the footage he had taken."Apparently they are...."

"Puny people of the peripheries, this is Kang! Divert your attention from your insignificant actions and listen to me, Kang, and my superior reporting. Today I am here with the Reverned Mother Helena, of the meatsacks who worship the True One, the Brotherhood. Naturally they should be worshipping Kang, as Kang is the only omnipotent being here! But I digress, Meatsack Helena, tell me of your Brotherhood."

"Well Kang, we of the Brotherhood are the seekers or truth and knowledge, learning the ways of the True One and helping those who need the spiritual guidance we offer."

"And yet you are not known as great fighters? Are you not weaklings who would cower before us, the true overlords?"

"No. We stand our ground against everyone who dares to weaken the Church of the True One. All those who attack us, do so at their peril. Some times they succeed, other times they are defeated."

"Yes, you are defeated time and time again, you and your human germs because you are puny! Kang watches video of your defeats and laughs, as do all."

"Kang, do you want me to bring the chef back in?"

"No!"

"Then wind your neck in. We can show you defeats of the Flagritz, and the Dewiek and the Hexamon, by our forces or our allied forces. Humanity is not to be dismissed as puny."

"But you are! Either way, it is well known that one of your own has been thrown to the wolves because she is a heretic. Can you talk about that?"

"Yes I can. The Penitant Inquisitor Carmilla D'morenta, Bishop of Kastor and Protector of the Faith was arrested on orders of the Papal Inquisition."

"Why was this done? What were the reasons? Other than her being an insignificant gnat on the flanks of the Overlords?"

"As far as I am aware, she started looking into the alien races to see if any of them were touched by the True One."

Kang laughed and slapped two tentacles together. "Yes, I remember what happened when several of her minions tried it with the Flagritz. They were dispatched most amusingly!"

"Indeed, we saw it as something other than amusing. But, from what we found there was no spark in them. Nothing which we could describe as anything other than... alien."

"So why did she try with the Dewiek? They are furry and less puny than humans, but they are no Flagritz!"

Helena leant back in her chair and steepled her fingers. "Yes, but in a way they showed much more of a challenge than the Flagritz."

"How so?"

"Well, they let her in. And.... she found a spark."

Kang reached over a pressed a switch on the camera slaves head."Are you saying this just to make a fool out of Kang?"

"Of course not. You are Kang after all, not some third rate reporter from Jax."

He looked at her for a moment and rubbed what could have been his chin, or one of them."I give you this one chance, to tell the truth."

"I promise, by all that is Holy to tell the truth."

Kang nodded, laughed and pressed the switch on the camera slaves head. The slave scowled and thumped the side of his head grumbling. "There is no spark, the Dewiek are just the pack hunters, dogs on two legs! They have no gods!"

"Not very accommodating to your allies. They are wolves, not dogs. And no, they do not have a god."

"Then why was your minion arrested and tortured? Are your pain technicians so bored?"

"By the True One, no. She dispatched some of her sisters to speak to the Dewiek of at least three different planets. What she found wasn't very ground breaking. The Dewiek just simply do not have a God."

"But she did fall for the Wolves did she not? I have reports of several issues where she has gone out on a limb which should have been torn off and helped the hounds?"

"Yes. She rescued prisoners from the Caliphate and freed them, that at least is well known. Of all she has been very vocal to our allies about Dewiek prisoners and has made no friends from trying to stop the fighting."

"Ha ha ha! Like anyone can stop the Dewiek fighting! She is funny, I approve!"

"But the most that has caused problems, and lead to her being arrested and put to the questions of the Inquisition was the affair of Folkvar, High Lord of the Dewiek."

"She had an affair with Folkvar? This is news indeed!"

"No, you silly bugger. Folkvar offered her the paw of friendship and she reciprocated. She was given unprecedented access, and the Sister who went out amongst them is still there, albeit she has become more Dewiek than human. Last I heard she was tattooed, implanted and was more interested in drink and hunting than praying. I am not sure if it was a success, but Carmilla was."

"What has this to do with anything?"

"Little Howl, as she is now known, revealed more than anyone has ever known about the beliefs of the Dewiek."

"But they have no gods?"

"No, but they do have an abstract belief system. And that was revealed in the presence of a team of Brotherhood monks during the final days of the assault in Solo on that DEN colony."

"You have lost me. What was revealed?"

"Why that the Dewiek believed in Folkvar. When he arrived at DEN Manticore he used his own personal charm to bring just simple civilians to join in the fight, armed only with agricultural instruments. Can you imagine that? To fight as no leader has done for quite a long time, to lead a fight from the front, leading his warriors and those who followed him through blind faith even though the army facing them was probably the largest ever seen."

"That is not faith, that is stupidity. Even Kang saw the size of that ground party and quivered.... uh... at least for a moment. But again, what does this have to do with why your minion fell from grace?"

"Aaah well, no one ever said Carmilla had common sense enough to know when to stop. She gathered information from the scene, and together with what she had, she wrapped it all up in a big bow and sent the report off to the Chief Inquisitor and filed it. She claimed that there was enough evidence to proclaim that the Dewiek actually did have that spark. That in some way, which needed to be examined in greater detail, the True One was working through the Dewiek."

"Crazy and puny. Was she the subject of a mental break down?"

"No. But what she had publicly stated was enough. The Papal Inquisition was ordered to take her into custody and put her to the question. One of our more quite, but prestigious Inquisitors was put in charge. It seems he may have been a bit zealous in his duty though."

"I like, I like! Give me details of how she suffered so we can use them with our slaves!"

"I can't. The details are sketchy, but it seems she escaped from her incarceration with some assistance from uh.... some rogue Dewiek."

"Ha ha ha! Such heresy is glorious! You should do the same, it makes your boring religion come alive! So where is she?"

"We don't know. She's out there somewhere."

"Kang likes the Brotherhood. You are crazy and puny, but you tell good stories."

"Kang, one last thing. The Papal Inquisition is still reviewing all her investigations. Even though she has been stripped of all rank and titles and hounded out of the Brotherhood before she was executed, what she has found is still valid."

"But that means....."

"And her chef is still out there."

"Kang will contemplate that not all puny humans are puny. But I do not expect there to be many. And I hope your minion will be caught and you will let me record the next interrogation and execution!"

"Sergeant, give Kang an escort back to his ship."

The Sergeant poked his head around the door and saluted. "As you wish Ma'am. Kang, if you would come with me?"

"Wait, where is the mad wimble?"

The Sergeant smiled.

"Oh he's around here somewhere, he's just a bit mad, not a prisoner. If you would follow me."

Kang laughed and ripped a chair apart and hefted the wooden legs. "It is fun here! I may have to come back, meatsack!"

Helena watched Kang go and slumped into the seat. "Bloody Flagritz."

"I heard that meatsack!"




***** OOC Message From The Editor *****

Sorry about the delay folks, I’ve been down with the dreaded lurgy, and spent most of the last two weeks in bed.

Yay winter.

Happy new year everybody.

Catching up… catching up… all my life feels like a constant effort to be caught up…

Simon.