Phoenix
Phoenix Nexus News Sub Space Static: Volume 2. Issue 20.
Sub Space Static: Volume 2. Issue 20.

***** Inter Galactic News *****


*** Message From The Editor ***

The puny human holiday of Christmas is rapidly approaching, which means Kang is infested once again with wretched viral lifeforms.

There will now be more than the usual amount of bile in the news.

Kang does however request that any meatsacks with any particularly festive news stories should contact him for inclusion in the Christmas SSS.

And by ‘inclusion’ Kang really means, something involving napalm.

BEWARE! NEWS!


*** WAR! Glorious War ***

The Krell home system of Storm has been riven in recent weeks by conflict, as the ratty little psychopaths seek to rid the system of other groups of ratty little psychopaths.

KRL forces have engaged the Ulians across the system. With KRT forces apparently caught up in the conflict. It is admittedly unclear who is on whose side. But such is the nature of the internecine never-ending brutal Krell warfare.


*** KRL vs KRT ***

The Krell Klan Rat outpost Black Rat’s Tail, on the surface of Inversion in Storm, has been stormed by approximately 5000 troops of the Krell Marine Division ‘No Mercy’.

Several KRL Mechanised Battalions immediately blew themselves up by leaping on their own hand grenades, as their commanders had told them they were not to join the battle immediately, but the Krell lust for blood was upon them.

And you know what they say about the Krell, if they can’t get an enemies blood on their paws, their own blood will do.

The battle however went well for the KRL, and their forces made good progress in capturing the outpost.


*** KRL vs KRT – Round Two ***

Having clearly decided that ground operations are complex and risky affairs when it comes to deploying Krell armed forces, the KRL instead decided to launch a heavy orbital bombardment against four or five KRT outposts on the surface of Inversion.

There was of course no warning, and civilian casualties are reported to be hilarious, as the outposts took very heavy damage from a rag-tag collection of Krell warships and a platform in orbit above, armed with everything from photons to missile launchers to ejecting waste chutes, and of course everybodies favourite orbital bombardment weapon, the light rail gun.

Burnt pieces of KRT defenders are reportedly still dropping out of the sky around these cratered facilities as the KRL continue their efforts to apparently eradicate the Krell Klan Black Rat.


*** Wretched Trading Scum ***

The Dominion trade facility of Solo has re-opened its doors now that the Solo conflict appears to have gone quiet.

How long does it take to repair warships again?

Anyway, Kang strongly recommends you treat these horrendous Dominion meatsacks with the contempt they deserve these holidays, and return every single present you have bought on Christmas Eve, and be sure to argue loudly with the cashiers!


*** Officer Loyalty Thing Of Past ***

Kang remembers the good old days, when all of Kang’s employees and soldiers and officers had chips planted in their heads that guaranteed their loyalty. Not like these days, when any old heap of unmarked Stellars will be enough to buy loyalty.

But no, apparently explosive chips implanted in brains are violations of EEM inter-stellar law.

Bah. Puny inter-stellar law.


*** Coreward Gas Attack ***

More GCE mining facilities are understood to have fallen silent, as the RIP continue their horrific deployment of nerve gas against these largely civilian facilities.

Mmmmm. Kang enjoys the horrifying sight of gassed civilians. It reminds Kang of Flagritzmas.

It would seem that nobody is yet in the mood to start paying the RIP protection money, so hopefully these terrible attacks will continue.


*** Slaves Freed In Time For Nerve Gas ***

The Krell News Agency is reporting that something in the region of five hundred human slaves have been freed from USN positions somewhere inside the Storm system.

Kang cannot even imagine what the Ulians wanted meatsack human slaves for.

Needless to say this sort of news does not go down well with other Periphery Affiliations, who start rubbing their hands together and mewling about oh noes, our poor enslaved species, and Kang expects the inevitable EMP invasion fleet to be turning up soon.

Although it is hard to imagine the genocidal Ulians having had many friends to start with.

It is a hard universe out there, and it takes bravery to fly in the face of conventional wisdom. Kang can but hope and dream of the day when we can all put aside our petty differences and truly embrace the enslavement of all lesser lifeforms.


*** Wretched Tedious Do-Gooders ***

DTR Press Release.

Many months ago the DTR were still at war with the EMPire. When the conflict spread to Kastor, the CIA escalated the conflict with the use of AM weapons on the planet. The DTR move as quickly as possible to respond, but the closest ships available were also outfitted with AM weapons. These weapons were released in orbit and the CIA presence was removed. The atmosphere of Mkttl was contaminated with fallout from the weapons exchange.
As the result of the treaty with the Empire, the DTR are to relinquish remaining positions Kastor to the Caliphate. We would not leave without remediation of the fallout from our actions. This past week saw the completion of those efforts to remove the radioactive fallout from that conflict.


Result:
Investigation/Mktkl/Post Orbital Bombardment Radiation
Update
The last of the harmful radiation contaminants are rendered safe.

We regret the damage caused by our actions and hope that a situation like this does not occur again. We will now complete our withdrawal from Kastor.

Long live the Republic,

Morley Decker, DTR Speaker of the House


*** Unwanted Hookers In Solo ***

A recent RIP attempt to board a Falconian cruiser failed this week, as the puny RIP boarders seemed to forget that cruisers are, on the whole, usually quite well armed.

RIP SHIP Hooker 250 (34932) is boarding us:

Attacking RIP Hooker 250 (34932)
--------------------------------
Round 1: 50 Missile Launcher mkIIIs (Kinetic Missile mkIV)
- 50 hits - 5475 [7500] damage - 100%
Round 2: 50 Missile Launcher mkIIIs (Kinetic Missile mkIV)
- 50 hits - 5471 [7500] damage - 100%
Round 3: 50 Missile Launcher mkIIIs (Kinetic Missile mkIII)
- 50 hits - 4919 [7000] damage - 100%
Round 4: 50 Missile Launcher mkIIIs (Kinetic Missile mkIV)
- 50 hits - 5221 [7500] damage - 100%

The RIP vessels was not destroyed in the attempt, but is understood to be a little embarrassed by its puny but hilarious failure.

Puny but hilarious failure. Sort of describes the entire human so-called ‘race’.


*** EMP Obituary ***

Obituary.

Star Admiral Sir Joseph Cherenkov KSG

I regret to have to report that Star Admiral Sir Joseph Cherenkov was killed in action during the recent Solo Delta 6 battles when his ship suffered a catastrophic explosion caused by a breach of the ship’s magazines.

Sir Joseph was the longest serving officer in the Imperial Services and first came to attention as a Commander in command of a Battlecruiser at the second battle of the Alien Artefact in Skord. He rose in command and was an admiral during the Second Flagritz war, during which his puny inferior human meatship was disabled but he was rescued by an SAR ship in a fit of what can only be described as ‘stupidity’. The then Vicemeat knighted Sir Joseph for his actions during the campaign that drove the Superior Flagritz from the Inferno Systems and curtailed their efforts to set up an Inferno Periphery under Superior Flagritz control – a tragedy for every sentient involved.

By the Falconian War he had been promoted to Star Meat and commanded the Imperial Battle Meat, once again losing a ship to enemy action. Once is unfortunate, twice clearly demonstrates his inferior puny meatsack nature.

During the latest War with the Detinus Republic he once again had a ship destroyed under him. Third time was sadly not the charm, as this time was rescued by the enemy. He remained a prisoner of the Wretched DTR until he was exchanged as part of the peace agreement.

Returned to service after his release he recently commanded my personal Battle Fleet against the Aliens in Solo until his untimely death during the Delta 6 battles in that system. Which makes it what, four warships he had shot out from under him? Hmmmmmm. Kang is spotting a pattern here.

He will be remembered throughout the Imperial Fleet as a worthy commander, noted for both his experience and fairness in dealing with his contemporaries, and a big sigh of relief from the crew of the next ship he was due to lead into battle who can now look forward to improved life expectancy.



*** Unwanted Visitors Get Turned Into Expanding Balls Of Gas ***

A small IMP scout ship has been destroyed by Ulian Stellar Navy defensive platforms in their very own home system of Ulian itself.

USN Picket Delta IV (7188) - Platform
Armour: 86.4 Shields: 34250(69.4)
Retreated from battle
IMP Dropper Lima (61005) - Ship
St Clair Class Interceptor {No Armour}
Hull Damage: 100.0%
BLOWN UP!
FRE 10 (45956) - Ground party
Docked non-combatant

It is not likely that the IMP had been invited into Ulian space, so Kang imagines the USN are probably not too happy about this.

Arguably happier than the crew of the IMP Dropper Lima of course. Are we sure that one wasn’t captained by Star Admiral Sir Joseph Cherenkov KSG? No? That meatsack is definitely dead? Okay then.

Could this have anything to do with the recent news that the USN were keeping human slaves in Storm? It seems… possible at least.


*** RIPFETHEX! ***

Bless you.

There are early reports of a number of small scale skirmishes breaking out across the Harlong system between the RIP on one side and the FET/HEX on the other.



*** More Trouble For USN ***

There are confused and conflicting reports coming out of the Ulian homeworld of Tyt, where there may have been some sort of Aquaphib invasion.

Details are scanty, as the Ulian’s have a very enlightened attitude towards reporting – they execute anybody who says anything they don’t like. But it would appear a small group of Aquaphib assassins in the employ of a major periphery power, somehow smuggled in some high-tech sniper rifles, and made an attempt on the life of the USN leadership.

The attempt failed as the USN security services were watching the group closely anyway, and a general fun-fight erupted across the Ulian homeworld, until the Aquaphibs were hunted down and executed.

Adding to the confusion, it would seem the Aquaphib ground party involved in this operation was at first apparently a group of unaffiliated free-traders, then, after engaging in their clandestine activities, they were briefly identifying as Pirates, then reflagging to human-IMP, and finally ending the day as USN flagged forces, as they presumably attempted to blend in with the defence forces and disappear.

Indeed it is possible some of the enterprising Aquaphib would-be assassins did manage to escape, and may even now be plotting yet more trouble…


*** Big Guns Pound Puny God-Botherers ***

A small squadron of FLZ raiders has discovered an undefended BHD solar farm in the Francoise system.

They brought with them some Light Rail Guns.


---------------------------------Battle Summary---------------------------------

FLZ TRR3 Murder Hole (10414) - Ship
Ti'cl-rani Class Gun Boat {Medium Armour}
Armour: 40.0
Hull Damage: 10.0%
Attacking BHD Francoise Solaris (15791) - 10273 [9920] Damage
FLZ TRR3 Spliced Orbit (81911) - Ship
Ti'cl-rani Class Gun Boat {Medium Armour}
Armour: 40.0
Attacking BHD Francoise Solaris (15791) - 10986 [10720] Damage
FLZ TRR3 Troposphere Burn (96452) - Ship
Ti'cl-rani Class Gun Boat {Medium Armour}
Armour: 40.0
Hull Damage: 5.0%
Attacking BHD Francoise Solaris (15791) - 8079 [8260] Damage
BHD Francoise Solaris (15791) - Outpost
Targeted by FLZ TRR3 Murder Hole (10414) - 10273 [9920] Damage
Targeted by FLZ TRR3 Spliced Orbit (81911) - 10986 [10720] Damage
Targeted by FLZ TRR3 Troposphere Burn (96452) - 8079 [8260] Damage


Everybody rejoiced.

... with a few obvious exceptions.