Sub Space Static.

***** Inter Galactic News *****


*** Message From The Editor ***

Pitiful sentients of the Peripheries, it has again been slow on the old news front, so your beloved editor Overlord Kang has been reduced to sniping little old ladies and dumping their bodies into traffic before blaming it all on the AFT.

Here is a scraping of news!


*** AFT Implicated In Brutal Granny Killing Rampage ***

Sick deviants of the AFT have this week been shown to be behind a rampage of eldster-death incidents across Mobile Bay thanks to some grainy footage that appears to show a rogue Flagritz wearing a ‘I <3 The AFT’ t-shirt pushing bodies off an overpass.

Kastorian Military Junta authorities are understood to be on the brink of declaring war!


*** Tedious Meatsack Returns To Duty ***

The brutal kitten slaughtering Detinus Republic are celebrating this week as one of their oldest meatsacks has returned to active service. Captain J.S. Arker, who can only be about 3 billion years old, will be stepping back onto a ships bridge sometime soon.

Captain Arker is understood to have been released some time ago from CNF captivity, but has only just reported for duty.

And this is the vaunted DTR military? Kang despairs. What do you expect from some meatsack that got promoted under dead and unlamented ex-Speaker Michelle Diaz.

Oh well, perhaps the Empire will succeed at killing him next time they blow up his ship.


*** GTT And MRCS Unleash Havoc ***

Ah, this is more like it. An actual news item!

A strong force of GTT heavy cruisers working in association with a fleet of Mercenary vessels, has intercepted a large DTR freighter convoy in the Jasmine system.

Over 50 warships shot up 8 freighters, destroying 5 and forcing the others to flee.

Some of the fleeing freighters were already named ‘Survivors Guilt’. KANG APPLAUDS THE DTR FOR THE APTNESS OF THEIR VESSEL NAMES!

Kang looks forward to spotting DTR Fish In Barrel and DTR Oops I’m Dead Again.

Were the GTT picketing the system in strength? Or is something else underway? Kang knows not. But Kang will speculate that it will result in more deaths. Thus pleasing Kang.


*** Piracy ***

There has been another sighting of a small pirate spotter named ‘Eyes of Large’, this time in the Lewis system, shortly before a GTT freighter was subjected to repeated failed boarding attempts.

Rumours abound that a new pirate has seized a stockpile of elderly Pirate Large vessels, and has set them to nefarious, though thus far mostly hopeless use.

In potentially related news, a GCE vessel with 4 lifeforms onboard has been captured by pirates in the Acropolis system.

In fairness, a group of blind wimbles could probably capture a vessel crewed by just 4.

Unless they were superior Flagritz crew of course.


*** Base Opened ***

The Varitang Rest Stop (18044) is now open for business. It is located at the Varitang wormhole and offers the full range of maintenance, repair, training and recreation facilities for the passer-by in need.

Feel free to drop in and spend some of your hard-earned Stellars before (or after) the arduous journey through the wormhole!

Or just crash your vessel into it and kill everybody.


*** Coronation Approaching ***

Tedious human meatsacks are gearing up to celebrate the coronation of… some meatsack or other, they all look the same to Kang. The only thing that changes is the name.

Kang seems to be coming over all socialist.

However, the Caliphate have issued the following press release:


The great day is fast approaching and all guests are asked to be docked at Sidon no later than 214.42.4. For those attending, the following itinerary outlines the days auspicious events.

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09:00 Heads of Affiliations Breakfast - The Vizier will greet Affiliation Political Directors at the Golden Dawn Hall within the Grand Palace of the Caliph in Sidon. Fine wines and gourmet delicacies will be served.

10:00 Janissary Parade - All guests are invited to watch members of the Janissary regiments trooping the colours in the Grand Palace courtyard.

10:30 Flight of the Ifrit - The great Ifrit warships of the Caliphate will fly in lower atmosphere putting on an orchestrated nova fire display.

11:00 March of the Caliph - The Caliph accompanied by his personal guards will march from the Grand Palace to the Great Cathedral of Masada. Guests are invited to follow the procession to the Great Cathedral.

11:30 Guests Seating - Guests are seated within the Great Cathedral of Masada.

12:00 Anointing of the Caliph - Cardinal Proseby of Masada will anoint and bless the Caliph.

12:30 Oath of the Caliph - The Caliph will swear an oath to defend the Caliphate and uphold the one true faith of the True One. He will be presented with the Orb of Faith by Cardinal Proseby and the Sword of Justice by the Vizier Shirazi.

12:45 Oath of the Empire - The Caliph will reaffirm the Caliphate's place within the United Empire of Man and present his sheathed sword to the Emperor Lysander as a symbol of the everlasting loyalty of the Caliphate.

13:00 Exit of the Caliph - The Caliph will exit the Cathedral escorted by the Cardinal Proseby, Vizier and Lord Inquisitor. Other honoured guests will be invited to the Grand Palace for lunch.

13:30 Lunch - Lunch will be served to all honoured guests at the Jericho Rooms in the Grand Palace. Ushers will guide guests to their table. The head table will reserved for the Caliph, Emperor and Empress, Vizier, Cardinal Proseby, Lord Inquisitor and Duke Teutonic.

15:00 Presentation of the Caliph - All guests are invited into the Caliph's Court within the Grand Palace for the formal presentation of the Caliph to his subjects. Guests will have the opportunity to offer their well wishes and gifts to the Caliph at this time.

16:30 Resignation of Ministers - The Vizier and other ministers will present their letters of resignation to the Caliph so he may choose his new government upon his coronation.

17:00 New Government Appointed - The Caliph will appoint his first minister, the Vizier, and he will in turn announce his cabinet of ministers. The newly appointed ministers will take oaths to serve the Caliph with honour and duty.

18:00 Solemnity - Cardinal Proseby will lead prayers for the good health of the Caliph, the prosperity of his subjects and peace for mankind.

19:30 Coronation Banquet - Honoured guests are invited to the Great Banqueting Hall within the Grand Palace where 17 Wimble Master Chefs have prepared 17 courses in celebration of the coronation of the Caliph. Honoured guests will be invited to offer toasts to the health of the Caliph.

22:00 Grand Ball - All guests are invited to the Crystal Rooms within the Grand Palace where traditional musicians of Masada will be accompanied by classical performers from the Middle East of Earth where celebrations will continue until dawn. Performances by sword eaters, fire jugglers, dervishes and a pie eating contest will be some of the many delights on offer.


Overlord Kang will neither confirm nor deny his presence as these activities.



*** Peace Talks? ***

The ‘Empire’ of humanity appear to have indicated that peace talks are underway between themselves and the DTR, although a state of… something vaguely resembling ‘war’ continues between them. At least insofar as the EMP have been one-sidedly steam-rollering the DTR for the last year or two.


*** Superior Flagritz News ***

Flagritz sources are reporting that the DTR have caved in to the Empire of the Race

It does seem to be a policy of the new DTR leadership to cave in to Empires

The Superior Flagritz Empire can report that a force of Marines of the Empire destroyed a PIRate GP that was six times it size. The 50 troops of the Race had soon killed the force of 300 PIRates.