Phoenix
Phoenix Nexus News Sub Space Static. Stardate Star Date 214.36.5
Sub Space Static. Stardate Star Date 214.36.5

***** Inter Galactic News *****


*** Message From The Editor ***

Greetings, febrile meatsacks of the Peripheries. It is time once again to take a break from contemplating the meaningless nature of your existence, and listen to your beloved brutal Overlord Kang contemplating the meaningless nature of your existence instead.

Buckle on your pain-straps, here is the news.

*** War! ***

Superior Flagritz forces have escalated their conflict with the inferior Detinus Republic this week, by unleashing a series of assaults against DTR positions throughout the Espionage system.

At least one large outpost has been blown up, with several more engaged in fierce conflict.

Kang must admit to some confusion that there does not appear to have been either a formal declaration of war, or any sort of response from the DTR.

Weakness must be punished. It is the Flagritz way.

Kang attempted to obtain a statement from a Detinus source, but nobody seemed to be answering the telephones.


*** Incompetent Scum ***

Hapless idiots in the Corewards arm have launched an attack against several Dewiek trading vessels parked in orbit:

MRC SHIP Overzealous Liberator (29666) is boarding us:

Incoming Fire from MRC Boarding Party (29666)
---------------------------------------------
Round 1: 190 Hive Marines - 6 [380] damage
Round 2: 173 Hive Marines - 0 [346] damage
Round 3: 162 Hive Marines - 0 [324] damage
Round 4: 150 Hive Marines - 0 [300] damage

Post Battle Summary
-------------------
Military Damage: 1 Dewiek Marine (522)
Ship hulls were undamaged in combat.
Boarders were defeated.

Not content with one humiliating defeat, the Mercenary meatsacks decided to push on and attempt a second boarding against another Dewiek vessel:

Incoming Fire from MRC Boarding Party (29666)
---------------------------------------------
Round 1: 135 Hive Marines - 0 [270] damage
Round 2: 122 Hive Marines - 0 [244] damage
Round 3: 107 Hive Marines - 0 [214] damage
Round 4: 94 Hive Marines - 0 [188] damage

Post Battle Summary
-------------------
Ship hulls were undamaged in combat.
Boarders were defeated.

Kang will allow the Dewiek news agencies to summarise this one:

“So the end result looks like 109 pirate hive marines were killed for the cost of one Dewiek defender. Since the planet was in the arse end of nowhere the Dewiek are looking with some suspicion at the activities of the only other affiliation to have outposts on this planet as the insinuation that the MRC was hired/owned by them and that they are attempting to keep other affiliations from sharing by the user of flags of convenience is high. The Dewiek do not favour pirates or affiliations that hide behind them. It also makes the Harcorps boys look like seasoned professionals as at least they make a fight of it…”

Kang salutes you, pirate hive marines, your sacrifice has demonstrated that truly, you are worthless sacks of meat.


*** USN Capture Caravel ***

Ulian forces have boarded a FET Caravel class freighter at the outpost USN Coridian, located on the planet Coridian in the Corosin system.

The outpost was until very recently FET-flagged and totally undefended, relying on concealment for defence.

USN sources have declined to comment. But their action is understood to have been taken the moment the FET flags disappeared, and the caravel raised other flags.

Kang could not possibly speculate.


*** Coronation Press Release ***

Coronation of his Eminence Caliph Samuel

By the request of the Caliph, and by the will of the True One, his Holiness Tenabrarius, the first of his name, hereby invites the Heads of State, Chief Executive Officers and Leaders of the affiliations of the peripheries to be present at Starbase Sidon on Masada in the Fortress system on stardate 214.42.5 for the coronation of his Eminence Samuel as Caliph

Allied and friendly affiliations are free to make their own way to Sidon. Other affiliations should contact the offices of the Vizier or Lord Inquisitor to arrange to be escorted to the coronation by elite guards of the Caliphate.

All security for the coronation will be provided by the forces of the Caliphate. No personal bodyguards will be allowed

Pyros
Lord Inquisitor
The Brotherhood of the True one


*** More Hapless Mercenary Meatsackery ***

Several MRC ships have bombarded a FET outpost inflicting zero damage to the heavily shielded facility.

The Mercenaries were then caught in orbit by a FET squadron where this unfortunate incident took place:

MRC Foch (40443) - Ship
Myrmidon Class Capital Ship {Light Ablative Armour}
Armour: 38.1 Shields: 0(0.0)
Hull Damage: 100.0%
Targeted by FET (NH)Halo 002 (2516) - 2225 [3600] Damage
Targeted by FET (NH)Halo 008 (5009) - 2118 [3510] Damage
Targeted by FET (NH)Halo 004 (11963) - 2258 [3510] Damage
Targeted by FET (NH)Halo 007 (30651) - 2049 [3420] Damage
Targeted by FET (NH)Halo 013 (65913) - 2277 [3510] Damage
Targeted by FET (NH)Halo 001 (90581) - 2240 [3600] Damage
INTEGRITY BREAKDOWN - Ship reduced to debris
MRC Grant (59162) - Ship
Myrmidon Class Capital Ship {Light Ablative Armour}
Armour: 18.4 Shields: 0(0.0)
Hull Damage: 100.0%
BLOWN UP!

What next feeble Mercenaries? Is Kang going to learn of your accidentally infecting yourselves with smallpox? Are you going to shoot yourselves at point blank range with a photon battery? Are you going to walk up to a Dewiek and just… sort of look at him funny?


*** Harcorp Raiders Officially More Incompetent Than Mercenary Meatsacks ***

GTT Press Release:

On Star Date 214.34.5, the pirate ship PIR Boelgehbi (31710), a Harcop Raider Class Fast Freighter, was attacked and destroyed by GTT forces in the Coreward Arm area. All hands were lost. My ships were all undamaged in the encounter.

A more interesting encounter occurred on Start Date 214.34.3 in the Zewt System (251) in the orbit of Crossonan (4624), a very popular location for trade. One of my freighters entered orbit and was immediately attacked by the pirate ship PIR SHIP Bioe (42177), another Harcop Raider Class Fast Freighter. What is unusual is there were 51 other ships in orbit at the time! Of those ships, nine of them were warships! Seven of the warships were COD ships and six of them have "Pirate Hunter" in their names.

I guess I should be honored that my ship was singled out, I hope my small amount of anti-piracy efforts are causing concern in some circles. I also hope that the COD ships lived up to their name because when I entered orbit the next day with a ship more appropriate to the occasion, I didn't spot the pirate. I would hate to think he managed to get away, although I do admire his audacity for entering orbit of a planet where so many ships are usually present.


*** Missing Wimble Leads To Mass Celebration ***

The Grandfather of the Wimble nation has been reported as missing recently, leading to a flurry of announcements from various parties throughout the Peripheries that they might be responsible for this disappearance.

Kang knows from experience that it is very difficult to tell one Wimble apart from another Wimble, even after you have skinned them, so while Kang does not doubt the veracity of all of these reports of BRUTAL and TERRIBLE kidnappings, Kang suspects that many of the sentients who believe themselves to be holding the Grandfather of the Wimble nation, are in fact just holding onto an oversized piece of meat-stuffed fur that has as much value as Kang’s excess tentacle slime.

Kang is however pleased at the celebrations. And encourages you all to kidnap a Wimble of your own today.

Remember. It is not ‘slavery’ when they’re only Wimbles.



***** Special Report – Special Kangian Actions *****


It has been brought to Overlord Kang’s attention that slovenly lackies amongst the EEM central exploration department been on their ‘holidays’ recently, and explorations have not been getting run as eager exploration teams might have hoped.

Therefore to fill this gaping void with his tentacles of helpfulness, your beloved Overlord Kang has decided to process your exploration requests for you.


Special action/xxxx/xxxx/woods/interesting animals.

Action: The exploration team will monitor the comings and goings of the apparently intelligent and tool-using squirrel-like creatures in these woods. Are they intelligent? Can communication be made?


Result: These small furry vermin are unquestionably in the bracket of what the rest of the Peripheries would call ‘cute’, one of them even pauses as the team approach and appears to wave one tiny little paw in greeting.

This sort of thing simply cannot be tolerated, so the exploration team quickly call in some deliveries of napalm and agent-x.

Seismic readings suggest these creatures have some sort of primary colony located beneath a small wooded hillside in the middle of the sector. It doesn’t take long to locate the entrances and start pouring a cheerful mixture of napalm and nerve-toxins down into their disgusting burrows.

They make for a particularly amusing sight as they run around on fire, and the team start placing bets on what will kill them fastest, the nerve toxins or the flame.

It’s the flames.

Just to make sure, the team set sufficient fires to burn down the entire sector of woods, this should be sufficient to purge the lifeform.

Communication? Successful.



Note From The Overlord: Special Actions processed by Kang will remain unofficial unless you can convince the EEM to record them in their official Periphery Ledger. Kang takes no responsibility for anything. If you wish to submit an exploration request for Special Kangian Actions, do so via the Nexus PM system to The Editor. There is no charge for the processing of Special Kangian Actions, unless you count that hollow sick feeling in your stomach. But that might be the agent-x.