Phoenix
Phoenix Nexus News Sub Space Static - Half The News - Twice The Inefficiency!
Sub Space Static - Half The News - Twice The Inefficiency!

***** Inter Galactic News *****


*** Message From The Overlord ***

One of the complaints your beloved Overlord Kang hears most often is that his pincers are too hot and his chair of gouging is too uncomfortable.

But after that, one of the complaints is that Kang’s news is simply not relevant and fast moving enough for the modern Peripheries. That Kang has somehow ‘lost touch’ with events that matter to meatsacks like you.

Here is a newsflash, puny meatsacks, Kang does not care what febrile news matters to you. And by the sound of the muffled explosions Kang’s worthless reporters who have just discovered the new minefield Kang left for them in the parking lot outside don’t care either.

It is hard to care when your legs have been blown off and you’re trying to crawl to safety.

Kang hopes this educational interlude has been useful.

HERE IS SOME NEWS!




*** System Messages ***

First up, some system messages that some of you may have missed. Or maybe you simply did not care? Kang cares not.


Solo - Contested Status
The action of the Flagritz and Dewiek in contesting the system is a threat to stability within the system. The Kastorian Junta requests that all bases in the system support their claim.

Junta troops are being mustered and a fleet is being prepared to meet any potential threat though this will take time.


Yank - Support the KAS
The actions of the DEN and FLZ in contesting Solo highlights the lack of support for the Junta in Kastorian territory. As such the will be introducing system support and concessions against system tax for starbases in the next few months.


Skord - Support the KAS
The actions of the DEN and FLZ in contesting Solo highlights the lack of support for the Junta in Kastorian territory. As such the will be introducing system support and concessions against system tax for starbases in the next few months.


Taxes? Kang knows what you can do with your taxes.



*** Solo ***

Ah, the pathetic backwater cesspool that is the Solo system, Kang understands a great deal of ink has been spilt over this system full of meatsacks, but sadly not yet enough blood.

Foolish meatsacks, do you not know that blood is juicier than ink? And comes in much larger bottles than your normal pot. Kang officially declares it, blood is better than ink.

However, the Kastorian Military Junta have today bolstered their hold on the system with a 50k claim. Will this be enough to see off the Superior Flagritz Claim? Kang knows not. But Kang does know this – you meatsacks just wish the Superior Flagritz would claim all your bases and systems.



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*** Cease Fire ***

The filthy Detinus Republic have reportedly signed a temporary cease-fire with their long-term best friends in the entire world, the wretched Imperial-Bloc. It is unclear how long this cease fire is intended to last, or indeed what it is for.

Kang suspects shenanigans are a-tentacle.

Or possibly the entire DTR Senate just wanted to go on holiday to recuperate from their exhausting election of a new Speaker.


*** Cease Fire Broken ***

GTT forces have fired upon DTR vessels in the Hellcorax system.

… well, that was quick.


*** Serial Killer ***

Kang understands a spate of mysterious and particularly brutal killings have occurred across the planet Mobile Bay in Yank, evoking memories of some Ripper from Old Earth.

Looks like an average Thursday night to Kang, but Kang understands you meatsacks get your knickers in a twist about this sort of thing.

Kang has dispatched one of his remaining reporters to the planet to gather some first hand details. And hopefully many excitingly gruesome photographs.


*** Dawn of the Caliphate ***

From the heart of the Inner Confederacy, momentous news sweeps the
Peripheries that High Lord Samuel has returned to power as Caliph of
the former Confederate Forces. While speculation is still rampant, the
few facts available confirm that Darius Shirazi is his vizier and that
he has support from the Brotherhood, the FET and former CIA spymaster
Laton. The months of Confederate dormancy appear to have been little
more than an illusion while diplomats have worked tirelessly with
pro-Confederate world leaders, re-igniting their loyalty to Samuel.
Quite what the civilian masses think of this is still to be seen.

What? This doesn’t sound like Kang wrote this? Where is the scorn? Where is the condemnation? Kang will have to work double to catch up!

Knock knock.

Whose there?

Samuel.

Samuel who?

EXACTLY!

It is the way Kang tells them.


*** Disease ***

Ah, this is more like it. As part of Kang’s job, Kang likes to monitor hospitals for infectious diseases. You never know when a new virus might mutate into a form suitable for weaponisation.

Kang knows the FET know what Kang is talking about here. Nudge-nudge. Wink-wink.

Anyway, moment of short-lived comraderie with lesser meatsacks aside, Kang has monitored a particularly virulent outbreak in several hospitals in the Coreward Arm. You know how interstellar travel is these days, why, a nasty disease could spread across dozens of worlds before you can even blink.



You all joined Kang in a moment of happy reverie there, didn’t you?

Only a few hundred meatsacks have succumbed at this point, but Kang remains hopeful this might finally be The Big One he’s been waiting for. This universe could do with a few less of you meatsacks in it.



*** Death Of LiQuan ***

A conflicting story is emerging from CNF Sidon. Rebels may have assassinated the LiQuan family though other sources state that it was on the orders of the Supreme Commander. All sources seem to agree that there have been arrests and that Demetrius has died. No further news at this time.

The populace is in mourning despite the recent events following the return of High Lord Samuel. Concern for the wife and ever popular daughters is building. Resentment is clearly directed at the Confederate Forces for allowing this to happen in the LiQuan heartland.

What the frak? That didn’t sound like Kang wrote that story either. What is going on here?! Is this some CIA mind control business again?


*** CIA Deny Mind Control ***

*** CIA Deny Continued Existence Of CIA ***

*** You All Need To Have A Quiet Sit Down And A Cup Of Tea ***

*** There Is No Reason To Be Alarmed – Voices In Your Head Are Normal ***


*** Falconians Continue To Attempt To Provoke DTR ***

In the latest of a never-ending series of provocations, the FCN have decided to post a group of DTR warships for having attacked the EMP in the Farseed system.

But not EMP ships for attacking the DTR in Acropolis…

Kang suspects this ends with the Falconian Embassy on New Tate flying over the Senate and excreting everywhere.


*** A Correction ***

A sharp-eyed reader has contacted The Editor to point out the following correction:


Ed,

In a Brutally recent news article you accused the DTR of being 'measly-mouthed' when I think they were actually being mealy-mouthed in their excuses.

Antt


Kang feels torn about this one, because on the one hand such upstart behaviour from a lesser Meatsack cannot be tolerated, but on the other, the meatsack has granted the opportunity to insult the febrile DTR again.

Thus, Kang will throw this one open to the Peripheries, send in your favourite adjective to describe the DTR, and Kang will reward the best one with absolutely nothing.

Congratulations meatsack Antt, you are crowned Kang’s Pedant Of The Week!

Kang hopes you enjoy your reward.

That fuzzy warm glow you feel inside isn’t what you think it is.

That would be the viral payload unwinding in your intestine.



****** Caliphate Syndicated News Network (CSNN) ******


End of the Confederacy, Rise of the Caliphate

After months of stagnation and uncertainty, the Caliphate (CAL) has risen from the ashes of the Confederacy. The old military dictatorship has been dismantled in favour of a constitutional monarchy, with upper and lower houses of legislature.

Many interviewed citizens have overwhelmingly welcomed the direction of the CAL in order to better their lives within the Darkfold Periphery and to bring stability to both the government and the military.

Desperately Seeking Solo

Affiliations of the Alien Alliance tried to take control of the Solo system, a key trading hub of the known galaxy, having only linked key stargate connections less than 10 weeks previously.

Even though the system claims are close, the KAS still hold control of the system and the galaxy awaits their next move.

DTR Scout Ship Shot

Unconfirmed reports have reach our Network that a Detinus Republic scout has been engaged and destroyed by Empire forces somewhere in the Transpiral region.

As this region has been a hotbed of conflict in recent months, it is understood that not much thought is being given to this event.

IND Warship Suicide

Reports are filtering in the Network regarding a IND suicide ship testing the orbit of Checkpoint in the Borderlands system. The IND ship, a Broadsword class warship, was destroyed by forces of the BHD.

Caliph Coronation

Authorities within the Caliphate are reported preparing to crown Samuel as the Caliph of the Caliphate. Several reports seem to indicate an elaborate ceremony is being planned for dignitaries to attend but details are unavailable at the current time.


We hope we can bring updates to these and other stories in the coming days,

This is Ainsley Moore, reporting for the CSNN, let peace be upon you all.


****** End of Transmission ******