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Phoenix Nexus  News Subspace Static - Star Date 214.15.2 |
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| Subspace Static - Star Date 214.15.2 |
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 Subspace Static - Star Date 214.15.2 ***** Inter Galactic News ***** *** Message From The Editor *** Greetings, festering meatsacks of the Peripheries, your beloved Overlord Kang has returned! And after some brief yet horribly violent cleansing of the offices, Editorial control has returned to the appropriate levels of brutality we all have come to expect. Kang brings with him messages of LOVE and PEACE. … wait. That doesn’t sound right. Kang remembers little of what happened to him, just that he was on stage at the Golden Kangs, and then the lights went out, and Kang awoke with a black bag over his head. Kang was then taken to some sort of debriefing room where Kang can vaguely remember needles and strange humanoid meatsacks in black suits. Fortunately for us all, one of these meatsacks was to make a critical error when leaning too close to ask Kang a question, and Kang was able to bite the top of his cranium off. These human meatsacks are funny when they flop around with their brains spurting out. From there it was but a SIMPLE TASK for Kang to escape and make his way back to the offices. But enough of this! Here is the news! *** Confederacy Reborn *** Kang’s BELOVED Confederacy, home of JUSTICE and JOY, appears to be celebrating this week as a new leader has arisen to take control of what Kang can only assume was turning into a tentacle-pile of Night-ian proportions for everybody’s favourite human sacks of meat, what with all the unpaid wage bills, bases raising civilian flags, and ships falling apart at anchor. The flesh-thing known as Darius Shirazi, believed to be some sort or renegade on the run from the Detinus Senate, has assumed the position of CNF Supreme Commander, with Kang can only assume the blessing of the other factions of the Empire, or at least, they all seem jolly happy about it. The Detinus Republic are probably less happy. Kang finds it hard to tell sometimes with you humans though, one moment you’re all yay, lovely 9th birthday party, great fun, and the next you’re running around screaming because of one little exploding napalm filled kitten. Just to confuse matters however, the new Supreme Meatsack has decided on a major renaming policy for all Confederate Starbases. Kang looks forward to the confusion. Kang loves the Confederacy, and you should too! *** Pirates Hammered *** Foolish pirate forces have once again attempted to board a Dewiek vessel, only to get their guts handed to them by fierce resistance. Over 100 pirates were killed for the loss of 30 defenders. Kang pities you, most pathetic of pirates. *** Freebooter Implicated In Black-Ops *** Filthy freedom loving peaceniks Detinus Republic have grown concerned this week following the presence of a tiny and stealthy FRE flagged spy ship called the Thunderball in orbit of one of their facilities in the China system. An operative was detected while the FRE ship was in orbit. And further Kang understands the EMP have just launched a ground assault in the system. Was this FRE an innocent party who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time? Or was he conducting surveillance operations? Either way, it seems likely that the FRE flag is now going to go the same way as the IND’s of the past. *** USN Rescue Crew – Get In Trouble *** USN forces have this week been reprimanded by stinking human fleshbags of the FET, for picking up some worthless crewmembers and items of equipment from a debris field. Worthless FET Oyabun Norozov stated the following: “USN Gunmen-X13 (95715) will cease picking up items from the debris field in Curly. If you do not return 25 crew members, gatling laser and combat engines a political attitude towards you will be set to allow all FET Oyabuns to engage your assets wherever they may be found. I will also remove the items from Free Coalitions buy market that you regularly sell to deprive you of the regular income you make there.” If it was up to Kang he would have returned the worthless crew members to their worthless wrecked vessel minus their worthless spacesuit helmets. This is probably why Kang is never picked first when it comes to selecting a Safety Officer. *** Confederacy Promises To Release Slaves *** In what Kang can only describe as AN INFORMED AND BEAUTIFUL decision, the Confederacy under Darius Shirazi will be releasing all slaves held within their borders. This confirming what many of us have suspected for a while, that the Confederacy actually was on the path towards Flagritz Enlightenment. Kang thinks you are all complete and utter GENIUSES for abandoning this policy and it will come back to bite you in the, grnnnnnch, HUMANITARIAN AWARDS! *** The Great Race *** Some senator of the Detinus Republic has won the Great Race, defeating two FET contestants. And apparently nobody was killed or otherwise blown up in the process. This is not like any sporting event Kang recognises. Where is the bloodshed? Where are the explosions? Where is the brutal subjugation of spectators? Where are the tentacles! WHERE ARE THE TENTACLES! *** Mantis *** Kang has been reading reports in the Empire press that Kang feels perhaps do not reflect the full reality of the bloodbath that Kang understands met EMP invaders when they touched down on the surface of the Hive World , Kang suspects the Corporate Periphery Times is a, hrrrrrrrrrk, FINE NEWS OUTLET AND FAR MORE RELIABLE THAN THE SSS HAS EVER BEEN! What the? WHAT IS WRONG WITH KANG’S BRAIN! Why is Kang saying these things? Kang LOVES AND ADORES ALL humans! *** Ships for Sale *** There are vessels for sale at the Agripeta Wormhole. *** Krell Sighted *** Kang’s favourite suicidal lunatics, the Krell, may be in action in the Peripheries once again, as one or two small Krell flagged vessels have been spotted nudging up against 200HH warships and attempting to pick a fight. Kang hopes there is some truth to the story that one time the Krell launched a ground assault against their systems sun. *** Ulian News *** Diplomatic News: An Ulian approach to the new Wimble leadership was rebuffed, the Wimble spokesbeing declaring: "I will not be granting access rights for the USN at this time. You are not the sort of neighbours the Nations want or need". In response, Ulian relations with the re-emergent Wimble nation were said to be 'frosty'. Unlike how friendly they appear to be with the EMP, the new fun friendly cuddly EMP who love all aliens and want to be best friend with all. KANG LOVES THE EMPIRE! AkjlaksdjlafksjdFLKDJKLJFL! *** Hellcorax *** Skirmishing continues throughout the Trans-Spiral Periphery as Detinus and Empire vessels tangle. A lone IMP freighter had a run-in with a squadron of pathetic Detinus cruisers who failed too achieve anything other than forcing the IMP to drop their cargo in order to flee. *** Mantis *** Vengeful Detinus Republic forces are reported to be recapturing facilities taken by the Empire last week during their assault on the system. A small and meaningless mining facility has been taken back, with the loss of 100 Naplian mercenaries who were defending the installation. Meanwhile a sizeable portion of the EMP ground force that was beaten back by the DTR defenders of the major Starbase on the planet is still understood to be sheltering at an outpost. Mysteriously the febrile DTR meatsacks have stopped orbitally bombarding the EMP troopers, thus proving to Kang that the DTR are truly weak and pathetic. Orbital Bombardments Make You Strong! And that’s a Kang promise. *** Anonymous Press Release Of Anonymity *** Forces of the Hexamon and of GCE have been trying, most unsuccessfully, for more than a week now, to dislodge us from Indar orbit. How pathetic they are, and how right was the decision to heal Indar of its GCE plague. With guardians such as that, what hope was there ever for the planet? Six firebases, a platform, and a fleet of no less then SIXTY FIVE warships have been fielded against our one platform and our (much more lawful!) fleet of 19 javelins. For six days have they been pounding, and for six days we have held. Their firebases are now mine, their platform is space dust, and what survived of their fleet has retreated back to the dark holes whence they came, to lick their wretched wounds and to plot a vengeance that will never be theirs. *I* am the guardian of Indar and those who live on that planet look to *me* for their protection. This planet is lost to you, the Garcias and the Hexamen of the universe. Do not come back. You have been humiliated enough and I no longer find challenge or pleasure in defeating you. *** Beach *** A lone GLORIOUS CIA patrol vessel has been intercepted and destroyed by a small Detinus Republic squadron in the Beach system. Kang is tired now, Kang needs to sleep. |
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