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Phoenix Nexus  News Subspace Static - Star Date 214.04.5 |
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| Subspace Static - Star Date 214.04.5 |
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 Subspace Static - Star Date 214.04.5 ***** Inter Galactic News ***** *** Message From The Overlord *** Snivelling meatsacks of the Peripheries. Overlord Kang is disappointed with your wretched attempts at action this week, as Kang has encountered what we call in the trade, a slow news week. Kang has been literally reduced to eviscerating reporters in an attempt to fill column inches. Kang believes you will enjoy page three this week, as it is a spleen. In order to fill space, Kang has been reduced to covering ‘meatsack entertainment’ stories, such as the ongoing race to see which worthless sack of meat will win a so-called ‘Oscar’ on the pathetic birth-place of humanity for achieving something that Kang considers to be of zero value. Kang was so bored by this inane ritual that he virus-bombed the lot of them. To celebrate this, Kang is instead introducing the first inaugural Golden Kang Awards! Kang will open the awards to nominations, and then will even graciously allow you meatsacks to vote for your winners. Though Kang has two votes. THIS IS JUST THE WAY IT WORKS! So with no further ado, the prestigious Golden Kang awards will be awarded in the following categories: 1) Most Memorable Event Of The Year. 2) Most Worthless Stupid Sack Of Meat In The Peripheries Award. Why only two categories? Kang considers these Golden Kangs to hold value, unlike puny earth-thing awards where Kang swears you’d give each other awards for just not choking to death on your vomit today. YOU HAVE SET THE BAR LOW! SNIVELLING HUMANITY! Kang sets the bar high. And then Kang beats you to death with it. HERE IS THE NEWS! *** Mohache Are Offensive… Also Go On Offensive *** Kang warned you all this day was coming, but oh no, nobody believed Kang. The Mohache are cuddly and innocent you said, they couldn’t possibly be gearing up to launch a massive series of attacks. Well, Kang has learnt that the dread Mohache have launched a series of assaults against Dominion positions in the Enigma system. … and promptly been smacked back down brutal-style by a combined DOM/DEN counter-attack. Kang is puzzled by this action, and hopes it is simply a prelude to greater slaughter, as the Mohache follow some vile scheme to lure us all into a false sense of security. *** Persian Skirmish *** Forces of the Glorious Flagritz Empire continue to exchange fire with the Ulian Stellar Nation throughout the Persian system this week, with first one side then the other gaining the upper hand. The USN released the following press release: The Ulian Navy today announces the loss of the Solo-class heavy cruiser 'Pariah', which was destroyed in the Persian system while attempting to withdraw from the engagement of the last two days, and disintegrated after taking a comparatively light 28% hull damage. A spokeskrell for Ulian naval forces stated: "The 'Pariah' was one of the newest vessels in Ulian service, only commissioned less than a month ago, and we are really really upset about it. The rest of the crews are still pretty up from the fact that they've actually come back alive... chanting six-nil, six nil and high-threeing each other and stuff, and I'm not going to spoil it for them. Although, being Krell, they're pretty emotionally shallow and probably wont give a flying f... Anyway, if you'll excuse me, I have to source about 10,000 repair patches from somewhere, and the Dominium sales guy wont stop ringing up offering to bankrupt us". *** GCE On The Run *** Privateer forces appear to have forced the GCE out of the Halo Periphery. Kang suggests the GCE arm up with napalm soaked kittens and return for round two! *** Detinus Republic Smash Stuff Up *** Brutal Kitten Slaughtering Detinus raiders have been active in the Dorn system this week, attacking not one but two dirt-grubbing Inferior-Empire outposts: > GTT Dorn Ast Mine J1 (854) - Outpost > REDUCED TO RUBBLE! > IMP Pi XCI-1-30 (95061) - Outpost > Targeted by DTR CL 28 WAHOO (89336) - 18606 [21712] Damage > Targeted by DTR CL 28 GRAYLING (5566) - 14779 [17549] Damage > Targeted by DTR CL 28 MARENGO (11975) - 12625 [14779] Damage > Targeted by DTR CL 28 MAGICIENNE (91765) - 18537 [21666] Damage > Targeted by DTR CL 28 MILNE BAY (34640) - 19481 [22836] Damage > Targeted by DTR CL 28 NEW BRITAIN (48165) - 12100 [13949] Damage > Targeted by DTR CL 28 ARGONAUT (77575) - 7609 [8824] Damage > Targeted by DTR CL 28 RUNNER (52575) - 16608 [19236] Damage > Targeted by DTR CL 28 NEW GEORGIA (50338) - 15288 [17886] Damage > Targeted by DTR CL 28 TRITON (76620) - 15266 [17774] Damage > Targeted by DTR CL 28 PICKEREL (38408) - 18418 [21711] Damage Kang rather suspects the first outpost was an uninhabited Hiport base. But signs are encouraging that many meatsacks were blown apart during the second attack. Mmmmm. Kang enjoys this thought. *** Insignificant Skirmish *** A squadron of Detinus Meatpublic raiders has had a narrow encounter with an Empire patrol in the Dorn system. Kang understands some long-distance fire was exchanged with some scratched paintwork resulting. *** Anonymous Press Release #3 *** The first GCE pimple on Indar has now been squeezed. Be reminded that 1k Stellars per week will keep your outpost protected from their ilk, and, 5k your starbase. GCE are adviced that while your old Confederate compatriots may no longer be in a position to bail you out, running like scared little chicken to hide behind your new-found Hexamon best buddies isn't going to help either. Your policing days are over. My day has just begun. - Anon.Mous. *** Anonymous Press Release #4 *** We thank the Hexamon for their payment and consider operations at Indar complete with their new acquisition. To the GCE, if you wish to avoid expansion of the conflict to other systems, publicly renounce your role as a holier-than-thou Halo Police force and remove exclusion zones against independent contractors in all orbits. - Anon.Mous. *** Overlord Piles Contempt On Anonymous Personages *** You know what Kang is thinking. STEP OUT FROM THE SHADOWS! WORTHLESS MEATCOWARD! *** Kallisan *** The Dewiek are apparently claiming the Kallisan system. Kang cares not. *** Pirate *** A pirate attack has been reported in the Corewards periphery, where an AFT vessel has been lost. *** Superior Flagritz News *** The Empire of the Race reports that after a number of years of hard work on a single planet is starting to pay off. Prosperity within the system has really been improved of late. The Planet in the Dawn system now has the space and Infrastructure to support 50,000,000 An even bigger project has now reached stage two within another system. After years of work the Empire reports that the Atmosphere has been improved to allow open bases. The next stage will be to rise the planet temperature and melt some of the ice that on the planet. Within the Core Empire systems the Empire can report that the Homeworld is now greatly improved and no food problems are being reported A planet has now taken its first step to going from a barren landscape to a green world Another barren system has fallen under the expanding Empire with yet another planet having its atmosphere changed. *** Pirate *** A GCE vessel has been lost to pirates in the Acropolis system. *** Falconian Newsreel *** Outer Capellan Pirate large has captured a GCE vessel in the Acropolis jump quads under the very noses of a Falconian antipiracy squadron that was lurking in the same quad. Traders are reminded that ring 10 of Acropolis is an obvious area for pirate patrols and not a safe area to loiter. Concentrations of vessels in these quads had been noted in recent days and a pirate attack here was always very likely. More AFT debris has been recovered from the orbit of Falconia. This time of a small 25NH Snowflake class vessel Sartre II. Transpiral News Debris of a large 200LH Redwood class freighter has been picked up from the wormhole orbit in Wimbledon. Wimble planetary authorities, such as they are, have shown poor judgement with regard to the assets of the wider Wimble Nation. 375 Mohache were recovered from the debris. This vessel the FNF Equity was likely the flagship of the Wimble merchant fleet and was very well equipped. Cluster News Preparations are nearing completion in setting up a new starbase in the Caribbean system. The grateful natives of the planet have expanded their market after sampling the variety of goods delivered to their planet. Elsewhere in the system terraforming has been accelerated of the other fertile planet which may be made available to colonise. Exploration vessels have located a strange abandoned outpost on a newly discovered asteroid in the cluster. Investigations are underway. Inner Empire News Falconian Warflocks are now in their destination system. |
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