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Subspace Static - Star Date 214.15.2

***** Inter Galactic News *****

*** Message From The Editor ***

Greetings, festering meatsacks of the Peripheries, your beloved Overlord Kang has returned! And after some brief yet horribly violent cleansing of the offices, Editorial control has returned to the appropriate levels of brutality we all have come to expect.

Kang brings with him messages of LOVE and PEACE.

… wait. That doesn’t sound right.

Kang remembers little of what happened to him, just that he was on stage at the Golden Kangs, and then the lights went out, and Kang awoke with a black bag over his head.

Kang was then taken to some sort of debriefing room where Kang can vaguely remember needles and strange humanoid meatsacks in black suits. Fortunately for us all, one of these meatsacks was to make a critical error when leaning too close to ask Kang a question, and Kang was able to bite the top of his cranium off.

These human meatsacks are funny when they flop around with their brains spurting out.

From there it was but a SIMPLE TASK for Kang to escape and make his way back to the offices.

But enough of this! Here is the news!


***** Inter Galactic News *****

*** News Flash ***

There are reports of explosions at the headquarters of the Galaxies Greatest News Outlet, the SSS.

We are reporting live from the parking lot outside the luxurious SSS HQ where we can confirm there is smoke rising from the building, and the occasional sound of small arms fire.

And I do believe somebody has just been thrown out of a top floor window. Gosh, it’s along way down from there. And that’s… wait, zoom in there…

Somebody appears to be launching burning kittens from the top floor. And the kittens are exploding, almost as if they have been… stuffed with napalm?

***** Inter Galactic News *****

*** Here Is The News ***

Superfluous greetings, mellow citizens of the Peripheries.

All is well, all is good.

But beware the unclean. Beware the heretic.

Beware the alien.

Praise the Emperor Lysander, he is our sword, he is our shield.


***** Inter Galactic News *****

*** Imperial Joy ***

His Royal Highness Lysander, the Emperor Of All Known Humanity and Defender Of The Faith, has been on a charm offensive this week. Throwing open the doors of one of his several glorious palaces to a special network of invited nobles and businessmen.

The Imperial Princess was on hand, as charming as ever, leaving the guests feeling blessed to have been entertained by not only the finest and most noble people in the realm, but also spiritually cleansed thanks to a stirring range of services provided by the Brotherhood.

Emperor Lysander bestows his blessings upon us all.


***** Inter Galactic News – Golden Kangs Special *****

*** Welcome To The Showbiz Event Of The Year ***

‘Hello, and welcome to Mobile Bay, glitzy showbiz centre for this years Golden Kang awards, please try to avoid the paranoid Kastorian thugs belonging to the Military Junta’s police department, who have been interrogating many of the fans who have flocked here for a chance to see all of the movers and shakers of the Peripheries. My name is Bob, and I’ll be your host this evening, along with my co-host Facerip of the Krell Universal Network Territory broadcaster, how are things down by the red carpet Facerip?’

‘Things are miserable Bob! Facerip wants to kill!’

‘That’s terrific Facerip. Got any exciting interviews lined up for us?’

‘Facerip talk! Nobody listen! Facerip assemble Krell suicide squad!’

‘Fantastic. We’ll be back to Facerip for more news as the guests begin to arrive.’


Subspace Static - Star Date 214.08.5

***** Inter Galactic News *****

*** TCA Continue To Get Kicked Around The Universe ***

An unexpected group of TCA vessels appears to have escaped the recent destruction of the rest of their kind in the Inner Empire, and been brought to battle in the Sparta system.

Kang understands 6 TCA vessels have been destroyed by the same combined fleet that destroyed the others, and the feeble TCA meatsacks only managed to destroy 4 of their attackers. Though they were outnumbered about 5000 to 1.

Kang pities these worthless feeble monsters, and sincerely hopes they have now been hunted to extinction.

There has been no word on the fate of the Meklan Baron LiQuan, he still assumed to have been destroyed.

Kang has heard you cannot keep a good Meklan down. Kang cannot confirm this as he has never tried to eat a whole Meklan.

Kang can however confirm that it is entirely possible to keep a good Krell down.


Subspace Static - Star Date 214.07.5

***** Inter Galactic News *****

*** Newsflash – Empire Nukes Planet ***

Overlord Kang has delayed publication of this weeks edition as news arrived just as he was whipping the print slaves into action that Empire forces consisting of a fleet of CIA/BHD/FET/GTT warships, has entered orbit of Mktkl in the Kastor system and commenced nuking the surface from orbit!

Kang has literally not been this excited for months.

The tedious Detinus Senate acted with surprising haste and released the following press release regarding the incident:


Subspace Static - Star Date 214.06.5

***** Inter Galactic News *****

*** Brotherhood Caught Using Slaves ***

The religious arm of the inferior earth-thing Empire known as the ‘Brotherhood’ have revealed themselves to have some semblence of superior thinking this week, as the Falconians have discovered the use of 240 slaves at a Brotherhood mining facility.

Kang understands the slaves were being kept in cramped and filthy conditions on a miserable hellhole world. Also that they were human slaves, revealing that the Brotherhood also share the superior Flagritz races belief that this is all the puny humans are good for.

This is a good news story, and Kang is happy. Though the Falconians are not, having shifted their stance towards the BHD to ‘antagonistic’. The BHD for their part have responded tersely to the FCN going public with this news.


Subspace Static - Star Date 214.05.5

***** Inter Galactic News *****

*** TCA Swatted Like The Insignificant Insects They Are? ***

Kang has learnt that a 700 strong warfleet has engaged the worthless TCA at the Gas Giant they’ve been loitering at in the Inner Empire of snivelling humanity.

Kang does not know for sure, but Kang suspects the TCA have just ceased to be a ‘threat’ and become more of an ‘expanding cloud of debris’.

Not that they were much of a threat to start with, the worthless alien meatsacks.


Subspace Static - Star Date 214.04.5

***** Inter Galactic News *****

*** Message From The Overlord ***

Snivelling meatsacks of the Peripheries. Overlord Kang is disappointed with your wretched attempts at action this week, as Kang has encountered what we call in the trade, a slow news week. Kang has been literally reduced to eviscerating reporters in an attempt to fill column inches. Kang believes you will enjoy page three this week, as it is a spleen.

In order to fill space, Kang has been reduced to covering ‘meatsack entertainment’ stories, such as the ongoing race to see which worthless sack of meat will win a so-called ‘Oscar’ on the pathetic birth-place of humanity for achieving something that Kang considers to be of zero value.


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