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News
****** Caliphate Syndicated News Network (CSNN) ******

user image

Welcome to another edition of news and views from the CSNN's favourite reporter and news anchor, Ainsley Moore, the peripheries' most favourite unbiased publication in the known universe,

We have been off air for some time relocating our HQ within the Inner Caliphate, after recent hostile acts within the Darkfold region.....

And so with the news,
 
***** Inter Galactic News *****


*** Message From The Editor ***

Once upon a time in a land far far away, Kang brutally slaughtered you all.

Here is the news.


 
***** Inter Galactic News *****


*** Message From The Editor ***

Kang is very pleased to hear reports of how many of Kang’s devoted readers are cheerfully embracing Xenophagy, so much so that Kang hears an exciting season of Great Peripheries Sentients Bake Off has been commissioned, tune in every week for new and exciting methods of baking your irritating neighbours into a range of exciting pies and pastries.


What’s the difference between a Surveyor class cruiser and a pile of dead Wimbles?

Kang does not have a Surveyor class cruiser parked in his garage.

BEGIN NEWS!

 
***** The Kang Recruitment Interviews #1 – The DNA *****


Kang begins his strange and brutal journey to the heart of the Peripheries organisations by stopping off to interview the erstwhile leader of the puny ‘Democratic Naplian Alliance’.

Who are these Naplians you may well ask? And what is this wretched ‘democracy’ thing?

The answer is ‘inferior’, but Kang has agreed to set about this endeavour, so Kang will see it through to completion, one way or another.


 
***** Inter Galactic Xenophagy News *****


*** Message From The Editor ***

Kang thinks most meatsacks are like Slinkies, not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down some stairs.

HERE IS NEWS!


 
***** Inter Galactic News *****


*** Message From The Editor ***

Kang was wondering, does cannibalism only apply to eating sentients of your own race?

KANG DEMANDS ANSWERS!

 
***** Inter Galactic News *****



*** Wimbles No More? ***

Kang’s least favourite puny furball race, the Wimbles, appear to have been consumed by the Falconian republic, as the winged meatsacks announced in the following press release:

“The Wimbles of Wimbledon, long friends of the Falconian Republic, have given their assent for the FCN protection of their home system to move from a temporary to protracted basis.

Previously Republic stewardship of the system was on an interim basis, extending our guarding wing to its people after the Wimble Nation collapsed. Now after years of close work and cooperation with the citizens of Khoros Major, they have formally placed their full trust in the Senate and People of Falconia supporting the FCN system claim. This marks the transition of Wimbledon from an Interim Protectorate to a Protectorate Province and will clear the way for additional republican investment and development in co-operation with the local government. In celebration of this day the Senate has voted the Princeps the honour title of "Protector of the Wimbles".”

Kang applauds the expansion of empires, and Kang hopes the Wimbles meet the fate of all subjugated races.


 
***** Inter Galactic News *****


*** Message From The Editor ***

Kang has no message for you this week, you have all disappointed Kang immensely, and you shall suffer Kang’s displeasure.


*** Starbase Seized ***

Puny Human Empire sources are reporting the capture of a major Felini Starbase in the Starling system by Imperial ground forces in retaliation for their recent altercation with Empire shipping, as the humans continue their systematic programme of confiscating all alien-held assets inside the borders of human space.

Kang is unaware how much of a fight was put up by the Felini, nor indeed the extent of the conflict. It does however appear to have been short and sharp.

Kang hopes many Felini prisoners were taken.

 
***** Inter Galactic News *****


*** Message From The Editor ***

How can it be the end of the week already? Kang simply does not know where the hours go. So many victims, so little time.

Prepare for deadly news injection.


 
***** Inter Galactic News *****


*** Message From The Editor ***

Pitiful meatsacks of the Peripheries, commence your rejoicement celebrations and sacrifices, your beloved Editor Overlord Kang has returned to you.

Kang is aware that he has experienced some… missing time… Kang can neither confirm nor deny that this might or might not have something to do with the brainchip placed inside his skull when he was kidnapped from the Golden Kang awards by some dubious black-ops organisation that KANG ADMIRES GREATLY!

… If anybody has any idea of what Kang has been doing, or where he has been in recent months, please let Kang know.

It will obviously take Overlord Kang some time to get back up to speed on all the news and happenings in the Peripheries. Kang understands peace has broken out? How unseemly.

Here is news!

 

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