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214
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News



***** Inter Galactic News *****


***** Message From The Overlord *****

We of the superior Flagritz race have a saying, it is better to risk all than fall to weakness. Weakness is the preserve of you lesser meatsacks, and not a fate any true Flagritz would ever embrace.

So with this in mind your beloved Overlord Kang, conqueror of worlds, scourge of meatsackery across the Peripheries, wielder of the one true dreaded spiked tentacle, has been absent for a few weeks whilst undergoing emergency brain surgery upon his primary cognitive organ.

As some of you pitiful febrile wastes of oxygen and nutrients may have noticed, since being abducted at the Golden Kang’s ceremony, Kang has not been feeling himself. Prone to outbursts of LOVE and AFFECTION for the Empire of Humanity and that festering stinkhole Lysander. Kang began to suspect some sort of villainous brain-control device might have been responsible, particularly when Kang started picking up transmissions from satellites passing overhead and was finding himself waking in the mornings filled with tender loving thoughts towards all humanity (except for the Detinus Republic), instead of Kang’s usual level of hatred towards all.

Foolish Empire of Humanity, did you not know superior Flagritz brains are immune to puny earth-thing mind control devices? The superior Flagrtiz lifeform has built-in triple redundancy. When Kang’s primary brain started being wonky, the secondary and tertiary brains kicked in.

Trusting no other meatsack to remove the chip, and welcoming the opportunity to hack into the brain of a worthwhile form of life for a change, Kang is pleased to announce to you that he has successfully removed said chip. And be assured quivering Empire Of Meatsackery, and your vile underlings of the CIA, you are now top of Kang’s list. Oh yes. Kang has purchased some special implements for you.

Brace yourselves, news incoming!

 


Subspace Static - Star Date 214.23.1

***** Inter Galactic News *****


***** Message From The Overlord *****

Greetings fetid meatsacks of the Peripheries, your beloved Overlord Kang is here to bring you tidings of JOY and PEACE and LOVE once more.

Have your puny meat-thing shells grown more fragile since we last talked? Does your meaningless worthless pitiful existence cry out for that happy day when Overlord Kang will finally come for you and put you out of your misery?

Kang hopes so.

 



***** Inter Galactic News *****


\\\\\\ Message From The Guest Editor //////


We are the many-as-one.

We are the voice of the Hive.

We sing a chorus of greetings to the inhabitants of the Peripheries. Join our warm

bio-mechanical-fluid-embrace

be at peace with Drone, and Warrior, and Queen.

Relax into us, as we bring you news.

relax-forever-rebirth-joy

 


Filthy Wretched Human News. Star Date 214.18.5

***** Inter Galactic News *****

*** Message From The Editor ***

Greetings puny meatsacks of the Peripheries, Overlord Kang sends you FLUFFY WARM THINGS and BEAUTIFUL KITTENS to CHEER you today.

It will no doubt be a source of woe to many of Kang’s beloved readers that Kang continues to feel under the weather, Kang is suspicious that something must be amiss as Kang is filled with WARM LOVING thoughts of all of the TENDER things he would like to do to human meatsacks. Particularly the Empire Of Humanity, and the Emperor Lysander, whom Kang DOES NOT SUSPECT IN THE SLIGHTEST of having implanted some sort of brain control device in Kang’s head when he was abducted from the Golden Kang ceremony.

Kang would like to HUG you all in your fleshy LOVEHANDLES with his rusty gutting hook until you LAUGH and your CUDDLES fall off on the floor in a growing pool of JOY.

Buckle up your flesh-sacks, here is the news.

 


Subspace Static - Star Date 214.16.5

***** Inter Galactic News *****

*** Message From The Editor ***

Kang understands it is traditional to send joyous messages of rebirth at this time of year, in some twisted human meatsack celebration of their most popular death cult religion. Kang has no time to wish any of you a ‘Happy Easter’, and instead would like to take a moment to talk about the religious nature of the superior Flagritz race.

Many meatsacks consider the Flagritz to be above such notions, but Kang finds his personal household Gods to bestow many happy happy blessings, particularly around the times of years when other meatsacks feel the need to knock at Kang’s door and offer celebrations.

Kang harbours a particular hatred for carol singers.

Perhaps one day Kang can introduce you to his Blessed Saint Meathook? Always popular on every Tear Out Those Entrails Thursdays. Or Kang’s personal favourite, the Holy Mary Mother Of My God How Big Is The Calibre On That Thing.

Remember, febrile sacks of meat, whatever your religious views, Kang is certain they are inferior to his own.

 


Subspace Static - Star Date 214.15.2

***** Inter Galactic News *****


*** Message From The Editor ***

Greetings, festering meatsacks of the Peripheries, your beloved Overlord Kang has returned! And after some brief yet horribly violent cleansing of the offices, Editorial control has returned to the appropriate levels of brutality we all have come to expect.

Kang brings with him messages of LOVE and PEACE.

… wait. That doesn’t sound right.

Kang remembers little of what happened to him, just that he was on stage at the Golden Kangs, and then the lights went out, and Kang awoke with a black bag over his head.

Kang was then taken to some sort of debriefing room where Kang can vaguely remember needles and strange humanoid meatsacks in black suits. Fortunately for us all, one of these meatsacks was to make a critical error when leaning too close to ask Kang a question, and Kang was able to bite the top of his cranium off.

These human meatsacks are funny when they flop around with their brains spurting out.

From there it was but a SIMPLE TASK for Kang to escape and make his way back to the offices.

But enough of this! Here is the news!


 


***** Inter Galactic News *****


*** News Flash ***

There are reports of explosions at the headquarters of the Galaxies Greatest News Outlet, the SSS.

We are reporting live from the parking lot outside the luxurious SSS HQ where we can confirm there is smoke rising from the building, and the occasional sound of small arms fire.

And I do believe somebody has just been thrown out of a top floor window. Gosh, it’s along way down from there. And that’s… wait, zoom in there…

Somebody appears to be launching burning kittens from the top floor. And the kittens are exploding, almost as if they have been… stuffed with napalm?
 


***** Inter Galactic News *****


*** Here Is The News ***

Superfluous greetings, mellow citizens of the Peripheries.

All is well, all is good.

But beware the unclean. Beware the heretic.

Beware the alien.

Praise the Emperor Lysander, he is our sword, he is our shield.


 


***** Inter Galactic News *****


*** Imperial Joy ***

His Royal Highness Lysander, the Emperor Of All Known Humanity and Defender Of The Faith, has been on a charm offensive this week. Throwing open the doors of one of his several glorious palaces to a special network of invited nobles and businessmen.

The Imperial Princess was on hand, as charming as ever, leaving the guests feeling blessed to have been entertained by not only the finest and most noble people in the realm, but also spiritually cleansed thanks to a stirring range of services provided by the Brotherhood.

Emperor Lysander bestows his blessings upon us all.

 



***** Inter Galactic News – Golden Kangs Special *****


*** Welcome To The Showbiz Event Of The Year ***

‘Hello, and welcome to Mobile Bay, glitzy showbiz centre for this years Golden Kang awards, please try to avoid the paranoid Kastorian thugs belonging to the Military Junta’s police department, who have been interrogating many of the fans who have flocked here for a chance to see all of the movers and shakers of the Peripheries. My name is Bob, and I’ll be your host this evening, along with my co-host Facerip of the Krell Universal Network Territory broadcaster, how are things down by the red carpet Facerip?’

‘Things are miserable Bob! Facerip wants to kill!’

‘That’s terrific Facerip. Got any exciting interviews lined up for us?’

‘Facerip talk! Nobody listen! Facerip assemble Krell suicide squad!’

‘Fantastic. We’ll be back to Facerip for more news as the guests begin to arrive.’


 

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